What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I love you berry much.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
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