“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
Skiing is believing!
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
You know what they say? Words.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
"Having a good hare day."
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
I really caribou-t you.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
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