I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
Treat yo'elf.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
I think, therefore I’m single.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
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