It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
I dig you a hole lot.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I'm Havana dream about you.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
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