Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
You seem a little mer-mad.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
Some bunny loves you.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
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