Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
You're as hot as a desert summer.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
I can't let it be until I get your number.
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
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