I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
I’m fondue you.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
Every piece of you is sweet.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
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