Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
I wanna bob for your apples.
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
You're the thought that counts!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
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