What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
The superconductor left without resistance.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
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