Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
I think we're mint to be!
We make a great pear
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
You make me want to Twist and Shout
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
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