What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
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