Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!

What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.

When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning

Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.

When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.

“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown

Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.

Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.

Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!

How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.

What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.

Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.

Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?

Can!

Can who?

Can I worm my way in to your house!

Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.

"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.

When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.

When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.

Where my prose at?

What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.

Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!

When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!

I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.

What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!

Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.

Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.

So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."

I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.

Fall is a-maize-ing.

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead

Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.

What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.

Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.

You are pitcher perfect.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!

“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr

Your bible would look great on my nightstand.

Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.

What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.

Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!

What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.

Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.

What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.

There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.

I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.

Belize let me hold you.