This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
I'm acorn-y person.
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
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