"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
Rebel without a Claus.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
After all is sled and done.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
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