A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
It's lit.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I like long runs on the beach.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Beach you to it.
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
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