Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
I would love to show you first class.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
I'm fondue you, it's true
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
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