"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
I'm snow bored.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
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