It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
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