"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu

What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.

The best stretches are partner stretches.

I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.

Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

I hope I'm on your list of things to pick up today.

‪I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa. ‬

If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!

What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.

Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.

What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.

My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.

What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!

Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.

What runs but can't walk? The faucet!

Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.

Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.

“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody

How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.

Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.

Car puns are really tiring

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers

What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.

Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.

I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.

My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.

I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.

What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.

What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.

how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.

Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?

You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.

What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.

"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller

What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log

Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.

Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.

Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.

My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.

What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.

“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer

Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown