What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
Nathan compares to you
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
Want to become my new personal best?
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
Where my prose at?
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
"Here for the right riesling."
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
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