A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
After all is sled and done.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
You are my butter-half!
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
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