A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
I find my core strength in you.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Who needs luck? I have charm.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
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