Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
Water you doing, my friend?
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
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