You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Irish I had better jokes.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
We like to paddy.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
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