A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
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