I have bean
thinking about you.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
He threw three free throws.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
God was just showing off when he made you.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
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