Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
You are so right. And I am so left.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
"I mead more wine."
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
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