Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
You’re right up my alley.
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
I love you and I ain’t lion.
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What a spud muffin.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
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