What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
"You deserve better and so do I."
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
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