Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
Baby, you can drive my car if we let it be.
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
Dublin over in laughter.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
Love me do
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
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