“Feliz navi-dog!”
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Make it rein.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
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