Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
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