You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
This date just made my day Emil-ion times better
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
Go to BabaMail
