You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
Can February March? No. But April May.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
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