“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
I pitcher us together forever.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
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