I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.

A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"

Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."

All dressed up and nowhere to grow.

I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.

What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.

Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.

What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.

At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.

Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!

I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.

The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.

Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.

What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!

Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.

What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.

The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.

When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.

What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.

We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.

The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.

I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.

What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.

Hey Bella, looking for a fella?

What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop

You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"

A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.

"It was me, you have a problem with that?"

"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."

I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.

The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.

When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.

How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.

What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.

How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!

We’re a perfect mash.

How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.

Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.

This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.

The pineapple is pining for the summer.

Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.

Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.

The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.

Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.