Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
Icy what you did there.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
I'm usually not very prophetic.
But I can see us together.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
This morning I saw a beautiful flower, and thought of you.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
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