Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
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