What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
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