As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
Pugs and kisses.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
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