"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
I have no shelf control.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
That’s a bit mulch.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
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