Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.

“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”

Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.

What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub

I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer

What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.

How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.

What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.

It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.

.

What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!

What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns

Wanna exchange genetic information with me?

It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.

My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.

Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?

I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.

What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer

Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.

Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.

"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward

Your treat or mine?

Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.

You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.

Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.

“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer

During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.

Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?

How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.

"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar

How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?

"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein

My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!

I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.

I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.

"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain

I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.

Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.