Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
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