Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
"Have a hoppy Easter."
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
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