What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
What does a house wear?
Address.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
Go to BabaMail
