"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Werewolves love their fast food.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
I’m kind of a big dill.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
Air resistance is a real drag.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
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