I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
I have no shelf control.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
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