Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
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