I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
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