I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
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