Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
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