The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
You shamrock my world.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
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