Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
Come witch me to the party.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
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