What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
Long time no sea.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
Time to spruce things up.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
We’re mint to be.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
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