Are you squiding me right now?
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Deja brew all over again.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
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