How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
I'd drink your bathwater.
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Can I hiber-mate with you?
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
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