How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
You can stand under my umbrella.
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
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