A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.

It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.

I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!

I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."

Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.

Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!

“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers

I like you, you croc my world.

That crazy little sun of a beach.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?

What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?

Spoilers.

The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.

Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.

Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.

For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.

Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.

I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.

What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!

What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.

I came, I thaw, I conquered.

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!

If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

One more thyme.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”

I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.

Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!

How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.

What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!

We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.

“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!

Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper

Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!

"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous

A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.

Without you, I’d disintegrate.

Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!

Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!

Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.

Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.

For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail

Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!