“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
I really caribou-t you.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
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