When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
You're spicier than Sriracha.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
Go to BabaMail
