Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Happy eggster."
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
"You bake me crazy."
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
Please, please me
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
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