"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
French, French Revolution
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
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