What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Lettuce go on a long drive.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
Will you go penguin sledding with me?
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
I like you cherry much.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
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