Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Don’t give into beer pressure.
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
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