What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
Join us for a slice of fun.
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
I love you deerly.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
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