How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Go to BabaMail
