I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!

What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.

I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop

What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.

Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.

I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.

What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.

Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.

Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.

If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!

Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason

I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?

Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".

What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.

My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!

How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code

Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie

I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.

Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.

Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.

You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.

What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!

What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.

Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta

Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.

How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep

What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.

I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!

Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.

Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.

Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!

Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.

What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance

You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.

Leaf me alone.

The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.

I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.

Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?

Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.

Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky