How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.

Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?

All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.

“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.

Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!

What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!

What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.

Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?

Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!

Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.

"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong

A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.

I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.

Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.

Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?

Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”

When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.

Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings

What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.

A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.

An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'

What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.

Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!

“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D

Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!

How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”

Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.

“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”

- Wayne H

I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.

What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.

My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.

Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.

I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!

You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.

“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous

I like the way you espresso yourself.

What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.

What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!