My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
It’s worth a shot.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
My love for you is like no otter.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
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