What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!

Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."

I said, "No, he only has two."

Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.

It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.

What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.

And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.

Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner

Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.

Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.

What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.

Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!

Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson

Who’s your paddy?

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?

Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?

If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!

I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.

How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.

I’m fondue you.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous

Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!

As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.

I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.

What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.

The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.

What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.

Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.

Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu

What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!

What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.

What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.

Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!

What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.

So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.

The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.

You snow the drill.

When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.

Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.

I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"

A shepherds spy.