Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
Can we still share a netflix account?
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
We were mermaid for each other.
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
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