Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.

“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown

"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller

Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.

"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."

- Unknown.

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.

A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.

How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar

What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.

What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.

(By Jessica Miles)

The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'

“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher

What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.

Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.

My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns

Nice Ass-teroid.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.

Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.

What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.

What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.

What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.

What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"

What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.

Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.

“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody

Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.

Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.

Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."

Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.

My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?

From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!

What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.

“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser

“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous

Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.

"Chardonnay or should I go?"

If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.

What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.

What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.

I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."

An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.