Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
Icy what you did there.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
---
“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
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