Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
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