“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
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