Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
Yule be sorry.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
Your beauty is blinding.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
We're donion rings.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Icy what you did there.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
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