What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
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