I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
Are you a model?
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
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