Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
You're quite the catch, baby.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
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