“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright

Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason

“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”

- Charles De Gaulle.

What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.

Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish

What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!

Does February like March?
No, but April May.

“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett

R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist

Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones

My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB

What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.

What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.

Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.

What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!

Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!

Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!

What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"

“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney

What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years

What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”

“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn

Bad spelling makes me sic.

Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine

What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.

Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.

How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”

I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.

What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.

Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.

“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers

Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself

Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.

You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.

What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus

Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.

There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.

How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.

What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.

If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.

Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.