Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
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