I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
You are sweeter than 3.14.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
"Just don't carrot all."
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
"Be kind, re-wine."
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
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