“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
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