“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
We have great chemis-tree.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
Go to BabaMail
