What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
You're spicier than Sriracha.
You are aged to perfection.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
Calm before the score
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
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