“Feliz navi-dog!”
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
You must be a neuron, cause you’ve got some action potential.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
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