You’re unbeleafable.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
I have no shelf control.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
Ants in your plants.
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