What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
This morning I saw a beautiful flower, and thought of you.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
We bee-long together.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
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