Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
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