I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
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