I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
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