Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
Can you drive my car?
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
We make a great pear
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
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