“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
"No body won the skeleton race."
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
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