Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
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