Writers have great climaxes.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mirra.
Mirra who?
Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
I’m soy into you.
You're my purr-son.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
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