Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Wanna churn butter with me?
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
Potato puns are a-peeling.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
My pants might be in the wrong place but my heart is always in the right place.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
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