What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Burst into cheers!
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
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