The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
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