What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
I find my core strength in you.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
Green glass globes glow greenly.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Go to BabaMail
