“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
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