"Arithmetic"

Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.

– Judith Viorst

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.

Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.

What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

Wanna exchange genetic information with me?

My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english

"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.

Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!

What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.

Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!

You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.

What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.

“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton

I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.

You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous

What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.

Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.

What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.

Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.

Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.

Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.

How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.

What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.

Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.

Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.

I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.

You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.

Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.

Me: Did it hurt?

Her: Did what hurt?

Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!

"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong

What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.

I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.