Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!

What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!

Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.

How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.

“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith

Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."

Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.

What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.

Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.

Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie

"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law

Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"

How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.

Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.

“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes

My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation

Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.

Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!

What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.

I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.

Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them

Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.

Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.

Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin

What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.

The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.

I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.

What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.

Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.

What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !

"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter