What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
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