Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
"I mead more wine."
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
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