You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
You’re the queen of my heart.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
"I lava you."
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
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