“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
You’re right up my alley.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
How rude-olf of you.
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